Welcome to the Record II: Electric Boogaloo

Welcome to the first song on our brand new record
We’ve gotten old and now we’re slowing down
We’ve had our laughs, but now we need our naps
Sit back and get relaxed as we slowly fade away

On the drums we've got Nicole
Laying the beats for rock n roll
On the bass, melting your face
Jimmy the Con

On lead guitar Jeremy Patch
Taking names, kicking ass
Overshadowed by nobody, not even me
And I can fucking sing like “Ooo ahh”

We’re the fucking greatest band in the world
You’re listening to the greatest band in the world
You’re welcome, for the greatest
You’re welcome, we’re the greatest
I hope you like Kenny Rogers

My Name Is Kenny Rogers

My name is Kenny Rogers
Welcome to the Jackass Show
Someone throw a bat at my head
I can take the blow

I’m not just drunk; I’m totally fucking stoked
Did you know I didn’t write the song “Lady”?

Drunk Kenny Rogers, naked in the park
Am I drunk enough?

It’s the Jackass Show
I’ll ride a tricycle down a hill
It’s self-defense; don’t tase me bro
I was raised on the dairy, bitch

I’m not just drunk; I’m totally fucking stoked
I keep singing this goddamn song “Lady”

Drunk Kenny Rogers, naked in the park
Singing “Lady”
You’ve got to know when to hold’em
Know when to fold’em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run


We took an airplane all the way into Baltimore with a girl named
Something that you'd have to ask my band mates
She stayed in the house with us for three days
And she named it The Canadian Embassy
It’s hard to breathe, it's hard to sleep in the Baltimore heat

The next day she didn't hang out with us because we’re lame
Jeremy flipped off a tourist bus from the doorway
Then we met the Pop Punk Bored for crab cakes
I had a chicken sandwich, it wasn't too bad
The time that we had, except for the girl on the couch named Justine

Justine, did you piss your pants or is it sweat and mould?
Hang out with me and help brag about all the merch we sold
It’s hard to believe that your pervert moustache is just joke
Before we leave
It made me sick how you kept your jeans in the freezer

You fucking kept your jeans in the freezer
Why did you keep your jeans in the freezer?
He fucking kept his jeans in the freezer
It made me sad Just ask my band about the girl I named…

I Just Want to Sleep in the Treehouse

I just want to sleep outside in the treehouse
I’m not going to lie
I just want to be with the moon and the stars under nighttime sky
I don’t want to sleep in the bunk bed mom
I’m turning 33
I don’t understand why you’d want me to be something I don’t want to be

I know what you think
I’m not old enough, I’m not responsible, I’m not man enough

Goodnight, mom and dad, Can I get a hard hug before I go to sleep?
I’ll tuck myself in I’m getting really tired from brushing my teeth
I won’t sneak outside with a big fat stack of dad’s magazines
Or a backpack filled with Exacto knives and energy drinks

I know what you think
I’m not old enough, I’m not man enough, I’m not responsible

Fuck you mom and fuck you dad
You don’t have a fucking clue about me

Whoops! I cut my balls
Can you take me to hospital?
I cut my ball sack accidentally with a really sharp knife
I just want to sleep outside in the tree

Grant Lawrence, King of the Forest

Grant Lawrence, he kicks ass in the forest

Grant is the motherfucking man from The Smugglers band
He’s on Radio CBC all across the land
He bitch-slapped Captain Vancouver in the face
And rowed a boat to Desolation Sound
He’s a motherfucking outdoorsman freak
Yeah, the best around

He kicks some fucking ass

He’s a tough son of a bitch
He can slap an octopus between the tits, oh yeah!
He can beat a fucking cougar up with only one hand
And stop a hundred pucks
Because he’s the fucking kind of guy
That you could high five forever

Danko Jones sucks (He sucks, vote Lawrence)
Joey Shithead (No, Grant Lawrence, yes)
Avril Lavigne (No fucking way, Lawrence, yes)
Alex Trebek (No thanks, Grant Lawrence, yes)
It’s hard to sing (Two more votes for Lawrence)
This fucking high (We have a new Prime Minister)

Grant Lawrence, king of the forest
He’s the fucking man tonight

(I Don't Want to Play) Tiger Woods (Without You)

I thought about you today as I walked alone
Between the 17th and 18th holes
And then I found my ball near an old man’s head
Face down on the green like he was dead
It’s not okay, I’m not okay

All I really need right now is the 3 wood from the sand trap
I’m running down the fairway drunk with a sad face
And Payne Stewart pants

I thought about you again as I shot the ball
Into the crowd of people just to watch them fall
But I shanked it way too hard and it went straight up
And then in the sky I saw two eagles making love
I’m not okay, It’s not okay

Two eagles were flying naked, check
An old man face down by my ball, check
The fact that I’m playing golf alone, check
Double-check if my pants are off, check, check

You and me should be naked in the cool green grass
Playing golf buck naked in the cool green grass
Running around naked in the cool green grass
I just want to play with you naked
I don’t want to play Tiger Woods without you

Dirty Kelly Gruber

Time to wake up and get blackout drunk
With the Megadeth tape blasting through the trunk
Of his ‘81 Trans Am
Bleach blonde girls in the backseat

One more stop at the liquor store
Moosehead bottles rolling on the floorboard
As he opens up the door
The smell of half-eaten hot dogs hits

He’s still the best at going down on passed out chicks

Dirty Kelly Gruber
You’d better run

He likes to teach young girls how to bunt
Motivational speaking’s just a front

In ‘92 he won the World Series, now he’s done
Now he’s the man giving out free breast exams

Dirty Kelly Gruber
You’d better run
What a loser
What a scum

I Don't Wanna Go Down to the Basement Either

I don’t want to go down to basement
Someone took a dump there

And it smells so bad
I don’t understand how this is even human

Turn on the fan and puke

I Bred This Beard for Slaughter

It’s the Stanley Cup Playoffs, I’m growing my beard out
Stanley Cup Playoffs, Growing a beard

The Flyers keep winning, I keep growing it out
The people at my work are asking what it’s all about
I just say that I’ve been listening to a lot of Kenny Rogers lately
Would you believe that it’s easier than trying to explain that
I just want to believe?

The people at my work stopped asking what it’s all about
I think the Kenny Rogers thing kind of creeped them out
I can’t wait to tell them I’m not lame
I just wanted to believe something bigger

The game six, in overtime, I actually started to believe that I
Could watch the Flyers win the Stanley Cup
My heart sunk like a rock
When Patrick Kane ripped it over your shoulder
In overtime, I died

There’s no reason for anything anymore
There’s no reason to believe in God anymore

In the Stanley Cup Playoffs, I grew my beard out
It’s the Stanley Cup Playoffs, now I’m shaving it off

Live Free and Die Hard

July 4th, shoot a firework
July 4th, shoot a gun
July 4th, drink a 30 pack
July 4th, so much fun

July 4th, homemade fireworks
July 4th, shoot or die
July 4th, call an ambulance
July 4th, Jesus Christ

Your best friend’s in the hospital
Third degree burns all across his head
The doctors tried to save him
But he’s already dead

July 4th, everything is fucked
July 5th, the day passed
July 9th is the funeral
July 4th, never take it back
He died in the hospital

I'm a Hulkamaniac!

Do you remember where you were when Hulk Hogan and Mr. T
Beat the pulp out of Paul Orndorff and Roddy Piper?
Everything in the room got smashed, we were losing our shit so fast
I watched you put your dog in the pile driver

Then your dad came in full blast from across the room
And you got rocked by a cobra clutch
There was nothing that I could do

Later in the day, I came and threw a rock at your window
And as I walked away, that’s when I heard the window crack
Never turn your fucking back on a Hulka-fucking-maniac

I thought about what you said and what I had to do
So I turned “The Eye of the Tiger” up full blast inside my room

Dear mom and dad
I guess if you're reading this that I didn't make it back
Hulk Hogan’s dad kicked my ass
Dear mom and dad, give my Nintendo to the turtle
I'm never coming back
Don't look for your Penthouse under my bed

I'm sorry dad, I'm never coming back
See you later mom and dad, I'm never coming back
See you later, I’m never ever coming back
See you later, I’m a Hulka-fucking-maniac

As I stepped on to my bike, I noticed that the tire was flat

Pebbles, the Happiest Chiahuahua

It’s not your fault that you couldn’t hear me call your name
But I wish to hell I could make this go away
I’ve played it all a thousand times inside my mind
As the wheels came down across the ground and stole your life
Your eyes filled into pools of blood

We all know that you can’t control the hands of time
Sometimes it makes it hard to want to let it go
We all know as we dig the hole
Your body lies in broken eyes
Beside the spot that held a soul, on we go

On and on through the lie that things get better
Sometimes I wonder why I feel so bitter
On and on the years go by, and I don’t get better
Sometimes I wonder why life’s so bitter, life is bitter

Holy F**k, I'm a Dad!

Holy fuck, I'm a dad!
I guess I can't say fuck anymore
Holy fuck, I'm a dad!
You should've seen the blood on the stork
Holy fuck, I'm a dad!
Can I get a baby high five, government fuck you?
Holy fuck, I'm the dad of a Devin: Part 2

Hello? Is this a phone?
Is motherfucking grandpa home?
Hey dad, get on the phone, it’s not a joke

I don't know how or if I'll ever find the words to explain
The way I feel now
I just want to spend every single day
Watching Scooby Doo
Sniffing ass for poo
I got a singing toilet just for you
But I secretly want to use it

Where do you go to get a “#2 dad” t-shirt?
And how do you know if his balls or his teeth hurt?
And where do you go when your heart is going to explode?

You're My Best Friend in the Whole Wide World

I know that it's weird how I always make these passive aggressive jokes about hanging out with your mom
I hope that you don't think that I'm serious I'm just joking around I don't want to hang with your mom
Unless you got bone cancer and the only way to save you was to bang her then maybe I would

Don't get mad I know that it's hard to understand science is odd
Trivia fact: Einstein discovered chemo by breaking his friend's heart

You're my best friend in the whole wide world
I'm having trouble with my words
You should know me well enough by now to know that even I don't understand the things that say

And I know that it's hard to have this talk with your family here but let's all just try to enjoy the dinner
And I'd like at this time to make a toast to a friend of mine, he's the best fucking guy ever
He forgave me when I farted on his head to wake him up every day when we were on tour

To the only lady here busting out a christmas sweater
I think it's kind of weird in the middle of the summer
It's a hot dry day she's a cold glass water
Your dad's fucking hot, your mom's fucking hotter
I think I'm in love with your mom

Raise your fucking glass in the air, a toast to your mom
Her name's the word that I'll say when I'm going to cum
Raise the fucking milk in the air, a toast to your mom
I know that it's weird how I always made those passive aggressive jokes
And now I'm banging your mom