Welcome to the Record

It’s time to fucking rock
It’s time to punch the clock
So get your goddamn high fives ready to go

We’ve got Nikki Stixx on drums doing bum da budda lums
And Jimmy the Con plays the bass strings way too hard
On guitar we got Jeremy Patch rockin' the Roland amp
And I’m Devin, enjoy the show

I'm The Best (In Bed)

I’m the best motherfucker in bed
I can use your hips like trampolines
The best motherfucker in bed
One handed spring roll off the fucking headboard

Watch out for flying ass coming at your head
Please step away from the bed
I’ve got one move that I’ve yet to prove
And I’m going to need your help just to figure it out

My balls are bouncing off the ceiling
Can you see this? Can you believe this?
I’m pumping so hard that I’m losing all my feeling
Can you see this? Do you believe this?
I’m going so hard I think I’m in your rear end
Can you see this? Do you believe this?
I see some bleeding and I think that it's my penis
If you see this please help me out

I couldn’t do it without you
I couldn’t do it without you or your help

Jason Vs Freddy Vs Ash

Freddy Krueger tell another joke, Freddy Krueger tell 'em about the time
You got that girl with the fingerbang in the waterbed

Ash from Evil Dead you fuckin' dick, Ash from Evil Dead you fuckin' son of a bitch
You make me laugh. Your jokes are such a gas

If I want a comedy then I’ll watch Cannonball Run
But really when I wanna see some fuckin' bitch
Get her head lopped off, I’ll call someone else

Can I get a Jason Voorhees
He’ll punch your head right off your neck

Micheal Myers what a fucking joke, Micheal Myers just a giant homo mime
He’s not the best unless he’s boring me to death

All these shitheads never get it right, All these shitheads would rather sit around and
Tell a joke than fight. I won’t be watching them tonight

If I want a comedy then I’ll watch Cannonball Run
But really when I wanna see some fuckin' bitch
Get her head lopped off, I’ll call someone else

Can I get a Jason Voorhees
Punch your head right off your neck
Off your head; you better run bitch
Now you’re dead
And he’s taking a shit right down your throat

Puckward Nipples the 3rd

When you need a motherfucker that can bark real loud
I know a guy that’s good
He’s pretty fucking rad at licking your nose clean

He always ends up shitting all over my Flyers rug
But I still gotta give him a hug and a french kiss too

He’s Puckward Nipples the 3rd, that’s my buddy
Puckward Nipples the 3rd, that’s my pal
Puckward Nipples the 3rd, barking at the neighbors
Puckward Nipples the 3rd

He always ends up shitting all over my Flyers rug
He’s Puckward Nipples the 3rd
I’m glad I bought him at the store

On The Third Day, Axl Rose

Judas Priest ain’t shit and Iron Maiden blows
Eddie Van Halen’s an asshole and everyone knows

That what we need is a hero
And what we need is someone with a big red beard
And spandex like you with his name on his shoes

Axl when you coming back? We need you
Asshole when you coming back? We need you
Scott Weiland sucks

You and Slash kicked a lot of fucking assholes in together
With Duff on the bass punchin' bitches in the face
Better than anyone. You’re better than everyone

Please call Slash on the telephone just to let him know
That you’re coming home. When are you coming home?

Axl when you coming back? We need you
Scott Weiland is an asshole

J.S. Giguere is a Robot

Jean Sebastien Giguere is a dick
Just a big fat robot with a goalie stick
When he played for the Flames, he couldn’t save worth shit
So he went back home to Montreal to get a computer chip

All of his thoughts were put there by Batman
All of his thoughts were programmed
By mathematics nerds who like jacking off
To pictures of Garth Snow in his shoulder pads

Take your Conn Smythe and shove it up your robot asshole
Take your Conn Smythe and shove it up your robot ass
Take your Conn Smythe
Shove it up your goddamn robot fuckin' ass

If heaven is a place where goalies go
Grant Fuhr will be there smashing in your face

Texas

If you're gonna play in Texas
You've gotta have a fiddle in the band
The lead guitar is hot
For a Louisiana man

So grease up them titties
And slap'em in my face
I'm getting a boner all the way

Suck my dickhole

Dear Dr. Phil

Dear Dr. Phil, I fell in love with a girl
She’s a real heartbreaker
I’m hoping that you could tell her
That I don’t wanna rape her

She doesn’t make sense
She’s just so damn intense
She’s getting so mad
I can tell by the way she’s looking at me
Can’t you see?

Heartbreaker, what am I supposed to say?

Can't Talk Gotta Work

Can’t talk, gotta work, I don’t give a shit about American Idol
Not trying to be a jerk, I just don’t give a shit about the clothes that your dog likes to wear
Or the place that you got your hair done
Why can’t you understand that I just don’t care?

Please God make it stop, I just can’t take another dead end talk
To you about your dog and how you had to take him back to the vet last week
And what they said is that he’s got cancer in the head
It's too bad, it's too sad that I don’t care

No time for small talk
No time for bullshit
No time to listen to you whine about your grandkids
No time to grab a chair
No time to sit and chat
No time to break a baseball bat across your kneecaps

One more word and I’m going to take the fucking stapler

Keep on talking, what could happen to you?
Keep on talking, what could happen? Fuck you

I’ll staple your eyes shut
I’ll staple your mouth shut
I’ll staple your face shut
Don’t talk to me

Can’t talk, gotta work, I don’t give a shit about American Idol
Not trying to be a jerk, I just don’t care anymore

Jeff Siemens Vs The Toothbrush

Yesterday I went to the ‘Vu with my man Def Jeff
He likes to rock those hawaiian shirts
He does a mean Humpty Dance
When he’s not pullin' down your pants or shakin' up his ass

Like a monkey in the zoo, he’ll dance all over you

One time when his girlfriend cheated
And he found her panties on the bed
With cum that wasn’t his, he lost his mind

And pissed all over her toothbrush
Wiped his dick in the salad bowl
He pissed all over her toothbrush just like an animal

M O N K E Y
Get in the goddamn van
M O N K E Y
We're going back to Disneyland

He pissed all over her toothbrush and the salad bowl
He pissed all over her toothbrush just like an animal

Unicorn Rider

In the middle of the night when the sky is black
And you’re tucked in in your comfy comforter
You hear thunder in the distance
From the gallop of the beast
It draws closer to your bedroom
So you might as well shit the sheets

You better hope you can run real fast
Before I catch you
I’ll fucking kill you

I’m the unicorn rider
Cold heart of the beast
Unicorn rider
Go ahead and fuck with me

Rainbow
Hard hug
True love
Motherfucker

(The Dr. Phil Callback)

Martin Lawrence

The first time that you told a joke about your girlfriend
Was how you were going to eat her out
But you needed a Tic Tac first

Martin Lawrence
You're funny and black
Martin Lawrence
Rockin' out with the Chinese mustache
You're not in men in black
That was Will Smith

When you say Eddie Murphy, I say fuck you
When people say Eddie Murphy, I say fuck you
He's not that good in a fat suit like you

Martin Lawrence
You're funny and black
Martin Lawrence
Black Knight is the best movie ever

Born to Minigolf

I'm going to kick your ass at minigolf
I was born to fuckin minigolf
I got the stance K.J. Jansen style
And you're looking like Gomer Pile

I just shot it through the waterfall
I just sank another ball
I just got the hole in one
Oh my God, I'm having so much fun

Let's go minigolf
Putt putt putt

I don't want to get to serious
But we're down to the final hole
Gotta get something off my chest
I killed that hooker in Reno

Let's go minigolfing tonight

Ramones T-Shirt

Thought you were hot when I saw you with the t-shirt
What the fuck is Panic! at the Disco
Doesn't matter cause I really think I like you

I got nervous when we went back to your place
I'm not good at making out with the girls, dude
Doesn't matter when you're sitting on my face now

I shuffled through your iPod while you were taking a piss
AFI? What the fuck is this?
I'm going to have to beat you to death with a god damn hammer

You make me sick
I can't believe I'm going down on you

When you took me to your room for the new tattoo
Unveil and show, what do you know?
You've got Good Charlotte on your belly in gangster letters

Shut up and put on my Ramones t-shirt
I'm trying to love you
It's the only way I'll love you
It's the only way that I can love you now

Female Doctor Anxiety

This is an awkward situation for you and me
Even though we both know it's not your fault
It's just your job

Your hands are on my balls
You say to turn and cough
I don't believe that it took six years of medical school for this

Why wouldn't you listen to me when I said
I didn't have a hernia

Everything was rad when you took my blood pressure
120/80
192
5’11”
I'm a little fat

By fat I mean floppy in the belly but I'm ready to rock
By fat I mean floppy in the belly but I'm ready to rock n' roll

Why wouldn't you listen to me when I said
I didn't have a hernia
Why wouldn't you listen to me
Female doctor anxiety

This is an awkward situation for you and me
Even though we both know this is all your fault

Evil House

I'm finally sober and I'm so glad it's over
Do you remember the night when we found Cam White
On his bedroom floor drunk as fuck ripping it up
Getting his dance on without his pants on
Shirt on the floor, balls on the bed, he lifted his head
And that's when he puked on is cock

Amy cut the whiskers off the cat again
Mel's holding a frat party and everyone's in
Throw the fucking couch off the patio
We don't need it

Do you know what I'm thinkin'? I think I've been drinkin'
Please help, please help me
Where's Kris Ruston? The hymen needs bustin'
Please help define me
How in the hell did life on Selwyn define me?
Time replaces all these faces
I see them, they're fading away
Remember the time when I fell down the stairs
And now I'm finally sober and I'm so glad it's over

Uncle Jim

Thank you Uncle Jim for the Motley Crue records on my birthday
Thanks Uncle Walter for giving me a christmas card
That said I hope to see you soon
Thanks Grandpa Terry for teaching me
How to play George Jones on guitar
Thanks everybody for making this Christmas so great

Now all we've got to do is sit and wait
For Uncle Walt and Jim
To bust through the fucking door drunk as hell

They've got beards they've got brews
They've got fucking dumb tattoos
They smell like piss mixed with smoke
And they always tell the same fucking jokes
Because they're drunks

The December day that you tried to say you missed
Memories of the ones that you love
Because you pissed your life away
Too late fuck you too late for you
It's hard to remember life in a bender
For now and forever life is a bender
It;s hard to remember
When I'm a piece of shit like you
Fuck you
Thank you Uncle Jim for the motley crue records

Jeff Off

You've got a silver mustang
It's got Depeche Mode stickers
You try to call my house 45 times a day
Jeff fuck off
I'm not going to answer the phone
Jeff fuck off
I don't want to be your friend
I'm not going to be your friend
Fuck you
Fuck off, I hope you die